Monthly Archives: December 2010

Just Stuck…

So, I haven’t gotten on my blog in quite a while. It’s been a rough couple of months. I started this blog because I needed motivation and support. But, I sure haven’t been motivated lately. Maybe it’s because I’m really emotional this week, but I thought I would get back on here and just vent. I feel so stressed out. Last month our internet card broke so we decided just to cancel that service and upgrade our cell phones to internet phones. Which will mean that by the time we changed our plan and bought new phones, our cell phone bill will be pretty high. But, it was either that or no internet. And well, last week I got in a wreck and smashed the whole front end of my Honda Pilot. Of course they didn’t total it, they said the damages would cost less to fix than to total it. So, now I also have to come with a $500 deductible by the end of next month. And, it’s Christmas time and we don’t have the money to really buy for everybody. So, that’s really bothering me. And, I’m having a lot of emotional issues with my dad right now. We’ve always had problems, but right now¬† it’s pretty bad. To explain, he took off and moved like 3 hours away, and my grandfather kind of figured out why…he owes some people almost a thousand dollars…ugh. Oh, and he says he’s dating a girl that’s only 5 months older than me. WHAT???!!! He wanted to know how I felt if he brought her to our family Christmas get together? WTF! How do you think I feel???!!! But, now he says he’s not coming at all…whatever…so I have just really been feeling down lately. And today particularly it all seems to be piling on top of me. I feel suffocated, frustrated, and helpless. Not to mention my emotional baggage about becoming a mother…All my friends my age are pregnant or just had a baby. I laugh it off to everyone else that I’ve never been around babies and don’t know the first thing about being a mom. But, to be honest I really do want to have kids. I do. I just feel right now, I am way too unhealthy to try to have a child. I am really overweight and I don’t want to get pregnant on top of that. My mom became a diabetic right after she had me, and I am so scared that if I got pregnant while I am already this heavy, that I would definitely become a diabetic. And, I’m not sure how my husband feels about having children. He says he wants them, but not sure when. I know I’m only 23 so it’s not like I have to start having kids right away or anything, but there is that part of me that wants to start a family. At least the last time my husband and I talked about it, he did really make me feel good when he said that he wasn’t in a rush to have kids because he doesn’t want our marriage to be centered around the kids, he wanted us to have time together. Well, I know this is a very long entry, but at least it kind of makes me feel better to just vent on here. So, I just really feel like I need encouragement and prayers. I know I need to be thankful that most of my problems are just material things and I am so grateful for my husband. But, I know I’m not the only one who has those days where you just feel so overwhelmed. So, I am sharing with y’all. I feel better now. Thanks to those of you who read this and know how I feel.