Turkey Trickery

So, I’m back again! I know my posts have been very sporadic. But, I just had to post how I thought I was doing so well! I had lost 5lbs!

I thought that I had overcome the horrible temptations of the Thanksgiving holiday! I thought I did well at only having a small portion of the foods I love most. So, I had every bit of confidence when I got on the scale this morning…

Um..FAIL! Every pound I had lost; all of that hard work..was back on the scale this morning!!! So, here I am again..starting all over again! My first thought was “Screw this..I’m getting a frappacino this morning!” But, then I knew that mindset would not help at all! If I’m ever going to succeed and actually lose the weight, I’m going to have to take it one day at a time. I’m going to have to persevere and continue to make healthier choices.

Therefore, I will be on here more. Sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly! I’m hoping this outlet will help me observe my behaviors more and help me overcome my food addiction.

So, here goes my first confession: I think I’m a self –sabotager! I do so good during the day. Then in the evenings, the cravings get to me! I know my husband thought I was a crazy person last night! I wanted cookies so bad; maybe not even cookies so much as I wanted some sweet cookie dough! Well, we didn’t have any baking soda, so I searched online until I found a cookie recipe that didn’t require baking soda and just used baking powder. When I say I searched, I mean I had to have been looking for at least 45 minutes before I found one. And then, I went in the kitchen and whipped up the dough. I think I took my teaspoon and got three different bites before I even made any cookies. Then, they didn’t really turn out to be “cookies” more than a sweet biscuit thing. I then proceeded to eat 4 of those with a glass of milk. All I did was go over my calories and waste a lot of flour, sugar, and butter!  

I am admitting as I think back on my crazy person actions last night…I obviously have a problem, right?! Ugh… But, I don’t want to give up. I’m still trying. I still got up this morning and made my breakfast and I’m still going to have my salad for lunch. I just have to get it under control in the evenings.

To my husband, if you read this…please talk me out of crazyness like that last night!

Ok, carrying on now.

Side note: I do not like being put in uncomfortable situations and I dislike being judged and receiving snide comments because I don’t want to participate in an uncomfortable situation. A co-worker’s mother passed away, and the office was passing around a card for her. That’s sweet and all but the co-worker’s mother passed away-A MONTH AGO! Really?! I stated I didn’t want to sign the card because I thought that would be awkward and didn’t want to bring it up again. And, I go snapped at by my co-workers because I didn’t sign the dang card?! “I’m sure she thinks about her mom dying every single day”-says one coworker. Yes, so let’s just rub it in her face again…no thank you. Sigh..ok that kinda makes me feel better. Rant over for that.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day and stays on track; make healthy choices! 🙂

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Fully Committed-Yes Again!

So, my weight loss journey has been a roller coaster ride. I keep having highs and lows. I’m off then back on. Well, this time I have made a serious commitment to stay on track. I have been logging on myfitnesspal.com and tracking my food intake as well as exercise. I also joined a group on facebook called “Commit to Fit” where I have vowed to eat healthy and complete at least 4 workouts a week.

I’ve cleaned out my closet, which depressed me with how small I had gotten 4 years ago and gained all the weight back. I’ve also been looking through the pictures of me on my birthday 4 years ago wearing my first Twilight shirt. I looked so good there! I want to get back in that Twilight shirt!

So far, I’ve done really well. I probably won’t be able to log on here every day, but I’ll try to update y’all every so often. Tomorrow is my first weigh in and I’m hoping to actually see some progress.

I passed the tests today by not touching the Krispy Kreme doughnuts that were brought to the office as well as ice cream sandwiches that are in the freezer. At work it’s employee appreciation week so I will be tempted with treats all week..oh I hope this doesn’t kill me. 😉 At least Friday for the big employee appreciation lunch we are doing fajitas which I can still make a healthy meal out of!

I have shocked myself here lately with how I can make healthy choices. I went hiking this past weekend, I went and walked the “big dam bridge” -yes that’s what it’s called. 🙂

I’ve lost weigt before so I know I can do it again. Y’all hang in there with me. I promise to stay on track this time!

Oh, here’s the picture of me from 2008:

Image

I was surprised with the roses, bear, and balloon for my birthday. I was’t expecting anything since my husband was overseas. But, being the awesome man he is..he made sure this was delivered. It makes me smile every time I think about this day. Have I mentioned how much I love my husband?!

But, I want to get back to the picture above where I’m all smiles again. 🙂

“I’m a Sugar Whore”

In the words of a co-worker, “I’m a sugar whore”. I know my co-worker was trying to be funny and it is, but yet so true. I just might as well claim to be a food whore, lets not restrict it to just sugar. 😉

I have a serious problem with saying no. And, now that my friend is pregnant, it’s like I’m just eating along with her for no real reason…ugh! I had my lunch, was not hungry at all and someone brought cake. She wanted me to go with her, but of course, I cut myself a slice to with plenty of icing. Now, I feel like poo from the sugar crash.

So, looking in the mirror today and facing the facts, it’s almost like an alcoholic at AA, “Hi, my name is Charity and I’m a food whore”. From now on when someone offers me cake and I know I don’t need it and I’m not hungry..I will say to myself, “No, I will not be a food whore; I will keep my mouth closed” 🙂 Thanks to my co-worker for this amusing yet so true realization…

Happy Monday y’all.

Just a little bit of success can go a long way!

So unfortunately I must confess that I took down my weight loss ticker because I had gained back what I lost from before. I was down 9lbs and I had gained it back! 😦 But, since I have gotten back on here, I have really been trying to eat more fresh fruits and veggies and I have lost 6lbs! So only 3 away from where I was before. It feels really good to finally be back on track! I’m hoping this time I won’t lose focus. I need to remember this good feeling of losing weight! 🙂 Ok, well back to work for me, but thought I would share that with y’all.  ~Charity

My Date With Elmer

So, I meant to post this a while back, but things were pretty crazy at work and I’ve just now had a little bit of down time to get back on here.

In the evenings it’s about 6:00PM before I can make it over to the gym. But, this is the best time for me. I know it may not sound very motivational, but at 6:00 one of my favorite shows comes on that brings such good and happy memories back: “Little House on the Prairie”. At our gym each of the cardio equipment has their own little t.v. screen and in the evenings when I go, I always watch “Little House on the Prairie”.

I usually get on the riding bicycle and tune in at 6. I still make sure I’m pedaling my little heart out; I usually stay about 11-11.4 miles per hour. But, this show is actually relaxing to me. I grew up watching “LHOTP” every Saturday morning.

Well, last week one episode really got to me. I usually get off after 40-45 min and usually don’t finish watching it. But, last week when they played the episode about Elmer, I actually got all teary eyed and rode through the whole episode!

Elmer’s character was a little boy whose father died and he and his mother moved to Walnut Grove to make a new start. Elmer was a pudgy kind of boy, overweight, new, and kind of the outcast. This episode just touched my heart so much, because I know what that kind of feels like. I was never really overweight as a child, but I was pudgy, not skinny by any means. And kids can be cruel.

In the episode, Nancy uses Elmer, playing off his insecurities. Elmer at first is enthusiastic that Nancy wants to be his girlfriend, and is determined to lose the weight. He does really good, losing 12 pounds the first month. He begins running to school and running around the house. But, his pudgy overeating reputation at school continues to follow him. Everyone thinks he’s so funny when he brings his huge lunch bag and has eating competitions, out eating any boy in school. When Nancy invites him over to the house for supper (all the while just trying to sweeten him up to use him and talk him into doing her homework), Elmer is humiliated when all Nancy and her brother talk about with their father is how huge Elmer is and how he can “really pile the food in”. They begin to taunt Elmer into showing their father how he can eat a lot of food in a short amount of time. They keep pushing Elmer even though he says he’s satisfied with what’s on his plate. Eventually, Elmer caves and starts showing Nells how he can eat. Elmer eats and eats, until he is sick.

When he gets home, his mother asks him how his dinner was with Nancy. He tells him mom it was great and that he’s tired and just wants to go to bed. When he goes to his room he looks in the mirror and is angry with himself that his jacket can barely button. He gets so irate he pulls all his candy and snacks out of his secret hiding places…jars shattering, boxes crashing to the floor. He then curls up on his bed and begins to sob. This scene makes me get choked up just writing about it. I’ve sooo been there. Looking in the mirror disgusted by what I see. Especially in those early pre-teen years, and even now.

I feel like I can really relate to Elmer in this episode. I really try to see the good in myself, finding things I like about myself. But, when you’re overweight, looking in the mirror..all I find are flaws, repeating over and over in my head that I can’t believe I let myself get this big. I can’t believe I really weigh what I do..that I’m really this size. Then comes the disappointment and guilt I have for myself and my poor eating choices.

The class in the episode must write a paper on what friendship means. Elmer writes a paper that friendship means liking a person for who they are and not just because of what they look like or how fast they are or even how much food they can eat. Then Elmer decides to announce in his paper that no one in Walnut Grove seems to be a real friend to him and that’s why he’s no longer going to go to school.

It’s just so sad to me, because I know this is still going on in schools. Especially since the child obesity rate is so high now. I remember what I went through as a kid. I was called a whale and a blubber butt by a horrible mean boy when I was about 8. After being teased like that, and thinking about it now, I wonder if I predestined myself  to be obese. I wasn’t even that overweight as a child, but it seems like after you have been bullied and teased as a child, you feel like that is what you always will be, a blubber butt.

I know I’m an adult and I have a mindset that I can change my habits. But, when food is almost like an addiction, it’s really hard to actually make those healthier choices. When you’re addicted to food, it’s hard to “eat to live” and not “live to eat”.

Like I said, this episode really got to me and really made me think about how children who aren’t skinny are treated, and if them being teased affects what their weight will be when they are older. And, it also makes me think back to my childhood, myself enduring the teasing and humiliation. I know what it’s like to look in the mirror and have that same look Elmer did, self loathing, anger, disappointment, unhappiness.

I’m so tired of being unhappy and disappointed with myself. I do want to get healthier. But, how many times, have I started only to go back to the unhealthy eating and no exercise when I feel stressed at work or stressed at home or when there is drama with my family? I can’t even count how many times I have said I’m determined to lose the weight and get healthy only to cave and go back to my habits over and over and over again.

I know this is going to be a long journey. I didn’t gain all the weight in one day and I won’t lose it all in one day. I’m trying to remind myself  after watching the episode with Elmer, that this isn’t something I can give up. Especially after watching this episode it reminds me that I definitely NEED (not want) to be healthy before I have children and continue a healthy lifestyle so my children don’t have to go through that. I know for me growing up I had overweight family members on both sides, and I am in no way blaming my mother for my weight issues. I don’t think I’ve ever even told her about me being teased or antagonized. I just know I want to make sure I have a healthy lifestyle when I have children, instilling in them proper nutrition and exercise activities. I did play softball and volleyball and I really enjoyed the group activities, and I want to pass that on to my children. I want to be an active parent who can be the healthy role model a child deserves. I don’t want to be a parent who uses that “Do as I say, not as I do” type philosophy.

I have made a commitment to logging on to my fitness pal and logging all my calories, everything I put in my mouth, every day. And, I am starting the Turbo Jam program tonight. I will also make a commitment to go to the gym at least 4 days a week. I need to stay consistent and focused so that I can once again look in the mirror and actually be happy with what I see.

Anyway, I know this post is forever long, but these were just some thoughts I had today that I wanted to pass on and kind of vent about. I hope you all have a great day and make healthy choices. ~Charity 🙂

I’m Back!

Hi everyone, I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately. I did get my promotion at work! Which was very exciting, but I’ve been super busy at work. And, I didn’t have access to a computer at home really, until now. I finally have my own laptop again, thanks to my honey! So, now I have down time in the evening I can get back on to blogging. I’ve missed y’all on here!

So, I had gotten down 9lbs, but then gained it back when I quit logging onto my fitness pal. Well, now I’m back on my fitness pal logging every day again. I also changed gyms to one that is cheaper and a lot closer. My mom joined with me now and I’ve been averaging going to the gym 5 days a week.

I have a plan, but I haven’t been able to implement it like I wanted. My plan is to get up in the morning and do a Turbo Jam workout, have Shakeology for breakfast, salad for lunch, workout in the evening followed by a reasonable dinner. I have done the Turbo Jam workouts a few times now and they are really fun, but I haven’t had a chance to get in a consistent habit of working out in the morning before work. And, I haven’t been sleeping well in the evenings so lately, I’ve been hitting the snooze button too often. Oops… But, I have been making my Shakeology smoothie every morning and I can definitely tell a difference from before! Since Shakeology, my need for caffeine has lowered dramatically! I don’t have to start every morning off with a “fru-fru” coffee packed with calories or a large coke packed with sugar. I also don’t have as much of a craving for fried foods.

I actually went to Chick fil A today for lunch and had a salad with chicken on it rather than the old chicken strip combo with large waffle fries that I used to get. That, was a great non-scale victory for me!

So, in conclusion, I’m not where I want to be really at this point, but I am making progress and better eating habits as well as exercise. I’m really happy to have my own computer again so I can get back on here and share with y’all and hopefully get buckled down on my weight loss goals. 🙂

I hope y’all are all doing well! ~Charity

Learning to Love Myself

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I thought I would make a post about love. 🙂 Yes, totally cliché, but hey, my name even means love, so here we go.  I have a wonderful husband and I know he loves me as much as I love him. I just have a problem with loving myself as much as I love my husband. I do not loathe myself. I do have qualities about myself that I do love. But, I’m trying to learn to really love myself again.

When I really loved myself, I was so confident, happy, adventurous, fun to be around, etc. I’m starting to get some of these back, but they’ve been lost for a while now. I’ve felt just kind of stuck in this unhealthy boring rut in life. I’ve been at the same job, and though I work for an awesome company the work tends to get monotonous. And then I just didn’t want to cook so we were eating out a lot or I’d just pick up something on the way home-not healthy at all.

But, the tides have changed. It’s been a lot easier to eat healthier now that my hubby has committed to becoming a vegetarian. It helps me to eat more vegetables and fruit and less meat. I’ve gotten now to where I really only eat meat on the weekends and that is my “splurge” now, instead of the high carb, fried foods that I “cheated” with on the weekends. 🙂

I’ve still got a long ways to go to be at my healthiest. I know I need to step up my exercise and get active again. I have a wonderful co-worker that is going to let me borrow Turbo Jam, so I’m pretty excited about that. I’m hoping to get started later this week with that program in preparation for when I’m able to get Turbo Fire, which also looks like a lot of fun.

I’m starting to feel better about myself and excited to see what all I can accomplish.  I love my valentine very much and I want to love myself so I can be the happy confident loving woman he fell in love with. I hope everyone else has a Happy Valentine’s Day!

~Charity 🙂